Tag Archives: Boundaries

The Power of No

Danielle LaPorte says it so perfectly – No makes way for yes.

We live in a society of that feeds off an intense need for instant gratification and a fear of missing out. A society in which saying no is virtually out of the question. Saying no means you might miss out on something really big or it could very well result in a loss of or lack of something in your life.  You simply can’t say no and expect to live a full life…or so a rather vocal segment of our modern society would have us believe.  And let’s not forget that we, as a society, judge our level of success by how “busy” we are.  The more things you say yes to the busier you are, the more successful you are, right?  So again, saying no just can’t possibly be an option.

But here’s the harsh reality – unless you say the word no, at least on occasion, you can and will lose the ability to say yes at some point, very possibly at the moment when you really want/need to say yes. Why? Because you are human and can’t do it all.  Because there are only so many hours in a day.  Because no matter how close you get to being perfect, you still can’t be solely responsible for accomplishing everything that needs to be done at home, at work, and everywhere else in between.  It just isn’t possible.  You just cannot say yes all the time.

And let’s be clear – those are merely the facts as they exist, they do not represent a failure on your part. There’s no judgment. There is only the stone-cold reality that when we say yes too often we eventually reach a point when yes can’t possibly be the answer anymore.  If you are always saying yes you will inevitably reach the point where you cannot physically fit anything more into your schedule…into your life…and so it is then that no has to be the answer.  Something has to go before anything else can be added.  Quite a conundrum when faced with the opportunity to do something you have always wanted to do, but you can’t because of all the other things you previously said yes to (things that you may not even really care about).

And who does it hurt? Let’s be honest here – primarily you. And while overcommitting on your part can create problems for others as well, by and large you are the one who suffers from your inability to say no.  So what is the answer?  How do we find a balance between saying yes and saying no?

The key is to set and honor boundaries for yourself. If you follow any of Brené Brown’s work then you are likely familiar with this statement from her on the importance of boundaries, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” Your time, your health, your sanity, your talents, etc. are important so you need to be mindful of your “Yes’s and No’s” such that you are honoring your wants, needs, desires, and limitations.  Again, it is not about any kind of  failure on your part, rather it is about being honest with yourself and not overcommitting.  Saying no on occasion to things that don’t feel right, don’t resonate, don’t align with your personal mission is not only okay, it is essential to being able to say yes to all things that are meaningful to you.  Commit to the things that light you up, to the things you are passionate about.  Don’t say yes out of guilt or some misguided sense of obligation to someone else.  Say yes because it means something to you.  If you do that, not only will you find that you are no longer overcommitted, but you will also find yourself in a place of great joy and happiness.

Stretching Yourself

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” – Neale Donald Walsch

Most successful people will tell you that at some point in their journeys they stretched themselves beyond what was their “comfortable norm”. Indeed, many would likely argue that stretching yourself is the only way to achieve great things in your life – that by sticking with the norm or status quo you will become stagnant rather than grow and achieve great things. And whether you choose to stretch yourself by taking large steps or small steps along the way, the point is to make sure you do stretch yourself in some way, big or small.

We all have a different tolerance level for the amount of stretching we can/will do at one time. For me, I was comfortable taking small stretches, one right after another. Specifically, I went from barely having a voice in this world (being shy, thinking no one would care what I had to say, and that I had nothing important to share), to writing a blog (despite being nervous that people might judge me or comment harshly), to now also having a podcast, to continually looking at how to keep using my voice in new and different ways.  All in the span of less than a year and a half.  One small stretch at a time I have developed my voice and have become brave enough to share it.

Having just said all that, and while I fully believe that stretching yourself is a vital part of living your best life, it is also important to honor your needs from a self-care perspective, stepping back to take care of yourself as needed. We have to take good care of ourselves so we can do the great things we have set out to do. It is easy to push too hard for too long, neglecting important self-care – and when that happens we actually hinder our progress despite any stretching we may be doing.

The solution is to find the balance between pushing yourself to reach your life goals and making sure you are caring for yourself properly as well. I know for me it took a little trial and error to find that balance, but I believe I have gotten to a point where I do a pretty good job of caring for myself while also continuing to push myself forward toward my goals.

Here are a few simple tips that have helped me personally achieve that balance and avoid stretching yourself too thin:

  1. Have clear goals – if your goals are clear you are less likely to get pulled in various directions at once…you can stay focused on the goals you have set for yourself which means less stress and chaos in your life as well as progress toward your goals
  2. Set clear boundaries – setting clear boundaries for yourself and for other people in your life is the best way to protect yourself from over commitment, excess stress, being pulled away from the work you have set out to do on your clear goals (among other things)…in other words, it is okay to say “No”, “Not right now”, and/or “That’s just not in alignment with my goals at the moment”…most of the time the people in your life will understand and be supportive, and you should feel good for standing up for yourself and the goals you have set for yourself
  3. Enlist help – let someone you trust in on your goals so they can encourage you, help keep you focused and on track, as well as help keep you accountable to your self-care too…so even if you don’t realize you are neglecting yourself, this person may see it and be able to point it out to you thus preventing you from crashing and burning
  4. Listen to your body – the best indicator that you have been negligent in the realm of self-care is your body’s messages to you…your physical body will respond in any of a variety of ways when it is not getting what it needs (everything from headaches and loss of sleep to any of a number of illnesses)…learn to understand what your body is telling you so you can pause long enough to take care of yourself.

So by all means go ahead and stretch yourself, just be mindful of your own needs so you are able to continue on your journey long term and enjoy the results of your hard work when that time comes.

Given this topic, I can’t end without suggesting a little assignment for you – consider the following – What’s the area in your life where you need to stretch more?  What is one small way you can work toward stretching in that area of your life today?

“Success is due to our stretching to the challenges of life. Failure comes when we shrink from them.” – John C. Maxwell

Boundaries

By definition they are dividing lines, and while not all boundaries are literal lines they all do certainly denote a division of some sort. There are many kinds of boundaries, but the kind I am talking about today are the healthy, personal ones – the ones we have (or at least should have) in our own lives that help us take care of our own selves.

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.“ ― Brené Brown

We need to have personal boundaries for many reasons…to maintain our personal space, to uphold our personal beliefs and morals, as well as to take proper care of ourselves. Healthy boundaries allow us to not only take care of ourselves, but to take better care of others around us as well. And we set a good example to others when you have these healthy boundaries for ourselves.  By setting clear boundaries in our own lives we lead others in the arena of self-care by example.

“You best teach others about healthy boundaries by enforcing yours.” ― Bryant McGill

I am sure you have all heard the airplane oxygen mask analogy – secure your own mask before assisting others with theirs. Why? Because if you don’t it is very likely neither of you will end up with an oxygen mask on.  And there is also the old adage of “nothing pours from an empty pitcher”.  If you are drained, if you don’t care for yourself first and foremost, you will having nothing to give to others no matter how much you might wish to give or be of service to them.  The bottom line is that you can’t help others if not honoring your own needs first.  It really is that simple.

“Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself. It doesn’t make me mean, selfish, or uncaring (just) because I don’t do things your way. I care about me, too.” ― Christine Morgan

But suddenly having boundaries where there were none before can be problematic, let’s be honest. If you allow your friend to always be late and then suddenly want to hold them accountable to their promised arrival time, or if you always cook or clean or do laundry without assistance despite what your day or week at work has been like and then suddenly expect your spouse or children to help, or if you always allow someone to speak down to you and then suddenly stand up for yourself…you can imagine it isn’t going to go over well. So how to we make that change?  How do we set boundaries with the people in our lives if we have gone for so long without them?  The answer is actually quite simple – you tell them your expectations and boundaries.  That’s right, it comes down to good old fashioned communication.  You honestly explain how you have allowed this for so long but are no longer okay with it being that way, and you tell them why it is no longer okay with you.  When explained gently most people will respect your desire for new boundaries and will work hard to try and meet them.  It’s when we just introduce them without warning or explanation that we often experience difficult resistance.  So as with all things in any relationship, just make sure you communicate it clearly.

“We can say what we need to say. We can gently, but assertively, speak our mind. We do not need to be judgmental, tactless, blaming or cruel when we speak our truths.” ― Melody Beattie

Boundaries give you permission to live and do things you enjoy while also not giving away all of your power to others. As Gerard Manley Hopkins once said, “Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices.” Think for a moment about your boundaries with different groups of people – spouse/significant other, children, parents, siblings, neighbors, boss, colleagues, etc.  What do you allow or tolerate that you really aren’t okay with?  What do you wish would change?  Where do you need to do some work on your boundaries?  Where do you need to create boundaries?

Here’s a quick summary of the process that I have personally found helpful for setting boundaries and for sharing them with others:

  1. Think of areas in your life where you currently feel stressed mistreated, etc.. Of those areas, are there any where you would feel better if you set boundaries? For example, if you said no more often or if you stood up for your personal needs or beliefs?
  2. Once you identify the ways in which you can add boundaries, then begin to add those new boundaries into your life. Introducing them one at a time helps both you and those around acclimate to this change.
  3. Explain your new boundaries to the people in your life who will be impacted by them. Use gentle words and be sure to make the explanation about your needs, not about them personally or about something they have done wrong. Making it about your needs helps them understand and in most cases people will respect and support your wishes, while making it about them will put them on the defensive.
  4. Reassess your boundaries often because they will need to change as you and your life change.

Let go of the voices in your head and all the conditioning from childhood that tells you to continually sacrifice everything for others regardless of the impact it has on you. Set boundaries for your life and hold to them. Not only will you feel better as a result of doing so, you will be able to show up in your life and in the lives of others in a more meaningful and impactful way.

“Speak in your own voice about the things that matter to you.” ― Marty Rubin